Do you ever wonder why your man says one thing and does something else?
Or find yourself in an argument with him because either you or him misinterpreted something that was said?
Are there times when you both hear, see or experience the same thing but you each draw different conclusions from it?
Do you know why that is?
Because men and women don’t speak the same language.
The book, “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” tells an allegorical story of men and women, both from different planets, experiencing lots of communication and emotional problems when they forget that they are not the same species.
Of course we are the same species but that book describes very well the different ways in which men and women communicate with each other and why there are so many ways in which men and women use different vocabulary, nuances, ways of being, to say the same thing.
And this is precisely where the problem lies.
The message your boyfriend is trying to convey to you is not being heard by you in the way that he intended.
We’re not talking here about the heavy, commitment and marriage conversations which are going to scare him. This applies to normal, everyday conversations you both have.
The same thing applies if you’re trying to tell your boyfriend something but he’s not quite “getting it”. The problem could be in the delivery of your message and the language you are using, not the actual “contents” of the message.
Neither party has actually heard the message yet.
They’re too busy fighting what they perceive the message to be about, given the way it is delivered.
It’s really all to do with the way our brains are wired. To put it in a basic context. We process information in different ways.
A man and a woman can be at the same event but when each describes it to a third party, it will seem as though they were both different events.
For example, let’s assume you both go to a party hosted by your friends.
At the end of the night, you are on your way back and you discuss the night’s events. As a woman, you’ll have noticed what most (if not all) the women were wearing, you’ll have comments to make about makeup and hair, you’ll have things to say about the food and the way people at the party behaved.
“Did you see xxx? Did you see what she was doing to xxx?” you’ll ask your boyfriend.
And he’ll most likely reply “Nope, really? What happened?”
“You mean you didn’t see that?” you persist and carry on, “She had a low-cut top and bright red lipstick and she was flirting with her ex! How could you not see that! She was standing right in front of you!”
Your boyfriend “Nah, I don’t remember that at all”.
Same thing when returning home from a day at work.
If you ask your boyfriend how his day went, he’ll probably reply, “It was OK”. Nothing more than that. To him you see, it was “OK”. It was just another day at work, worthy of no specific event of mention of anything.
Because, as far as he is concerned, nothing happened!
Ask a woman how her day at work went and she’ll tell you about what she had for lunch, news/gossip about her work colleagues, who she called on the phone, who texted her, who posted to her Facebook wall……..
You get the drift.
Men and women interpret events and process them differently. And therefore, when recounting things back to tell others (significant others), there is a huge mismatch in the news that is being reported.
Neither of them is wrong. They just process and communicate things differently to each other.
And the sooner you realize this, the sooner you can improve communication in a relationship which will lead to a relationship where you can stop and remember that he probably isn’t being moody/uncommunicative/quiet/non-talkative, he’s just being “a man”.
Realize this and you are a step closer to understanding men a little better.
What Men Don’t Like
Unfortunately, the differences between the sexes play out far more in the context of a relationship.
It’s odd to think that when a man and woman first meet and want to get together, they’ll both spend time and effort on looking good so that they are attractive to the other sex. They spend time together, going out, laughing at each other’s jokes, being playful, being adventurous, trying new things.
Once they become an item, and get into a relationship that is a bit more serious, they start to behave differently.
A woman will try to change a man.
She’ll become more vocal in the things she doesn’t like and she’ll let him know that she does’t like them.
But men, they would just love their women to stay the same.
Men don’t like it when a women:
- tries to change him
- stops being the woman he started dating
And this happens A LOT.
Women will find flaws in their men and attempt to fix them. They’ll look for areas where they feel there could be some “improvement”. Like his dress sense or hairstyle, or his diet, “why don’t you eat more fruit? It’s good for you?”
And a woman will also change, but her man won’t want her to.
This normally happens in a relationship that has moved on from the initial courting/dating stage to something more fixed. A woman will reach a point in a relationship where she feels she no longer has to dress up.
All those sexy dresses and clothes she wore when she was in the “attracting a man” phase, the sexy lingerie are all gone. So is her sense of adventure.
Where before she might have spent the weekends with you going out and having lots of sex, now that the relationship is more established, she feels she no longer has to do any of this. After all, she’s “got” her man.
So she wears comfortable lounge wear at home, no more of the frilly, lacy underwear and she’d rather spend the weekend watching a film.
And the man is left wondering “what just happened?”
What Men Like
Men still want the woman in their life to look good. They want the you to be the same girl they started dating. Which means, they want you in those sexy tops and dresses wearing that lacy lingerie underneath.
They want to carry on having as much sex with you as they did when you first started dating.
They want you to carry on being the girl you were in the early days of the relationship.
What they especially DON’T want is for you to keep nagging them about things they don’t like about you and want you to change.
Now, there is no right or wrong in this. Overtime, your relationship WILL have to change as you decide whether to split up or carry on. And if you carry on, will you settle down, get married and have
children? All of which brings a lot of responsibility and pressure to a relationship.
So, whilst men may not want things to change, inevitably, things in the relationship will have to change.
But you don’t have to keep nagging him and hurting him by trying to constantly change him or improve him. After all, he was good enough for you when you first met. You liked what you saw then. So why change him.
Unless of course, you’ve discovered he has some horrid habits that need to be curbed, such as cutting his toe nails and letting them fly all over the place. Yuk!
And there is that certain leaving the toilet seat up or down business that you’ll no doubt argue about.
But, knowing why men behave the way they do and decoding the way they think especially when it comes to processing and communication information, can be really helpful for a woman to understand.
And in the end, understanding men, especially in relationship, can be the difference between a good relationship and a bad one.
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